I had an experience this week that I wanted to attempt to capture in words because I think its still sitting in my brain wanting to be unpacked a bit. In the world of psychology, we often talk about "depersonalization" in which a person feels detached or distanced from their life, almost as if they're watching their life happen instead of actively and intentionally living. Typically it occurs to folks who have experienced trauma or abuse but it can also happen to anyone battling depression or anxiety. It serves as a coping mechanism in order to avoid or limit intense emotion or pain as well as acts as a numbing agent in a person's day-to-day life so that the experience of life, relationship, creation and God is muted and distanced.
This week, I came to the realization that I suffer from a different form of depersonalization. It's a depersonalization of the person of Christ. Sitting in a context in which the reality of people's pain, suffering and need for God was blatantly obvious, I became increasingly nauseous. A phrase came to me following this intense experience: "this is not a game." I drove home somewhat confused. What does that mean?
And then it hit me. Hard.
I live much of my life in a cognitive ascent to the Gospel of Christ. I believe Christ died for the sins of rebellious men. I believe Christ was resurrected conquering the power of sin and death. I believe Christ now sits victorious on the right hand of God the Father with all authority and dominion. I believe He was fully God and fully man, perfect and spotless. But slowly over the course of my Christian walk, I have come to depersonalize Him, making Him more about concept and theory and less about flesh and blood, almost as if to slowly move Him (and my beliefs) into the world of fairy-tale or fable standing.
And this has begun to affect my horizontal relationships, relating to people as if they're not fully real either. Like a game in which a person has certain moves and strategies in order to make friendships, parent children and love their spouse. But through a serious night of repentance and tears, I was encouraged by questions God was prompting like "What would it mean to love your kids as if I'm real? How would it change if you loved your wife like I was real? How would counseling or ministry or seminary transform if I were real?"
Christ encouraged Thomas to "Reach here with your finger, and see My hands; and reach here your hand and put it into My side; and do not be unbelieving, but believing." (John 20:27). Thomas responded with "my LORD and my God!" And He knows all of our tendency to depersonalize Him and therefore encourages us with the statement "Because you have seen Me, have you believed? Blessed are they who did not see, and yet believed." (John 20:29). God, through the Spirit, opened my eyes to believing He was real almost thirty years ago.
And this week, He once again gave clarity to my vision of Him as my LORD and my God. Christ's cross happened in place and time, as the sun rises and sets. Christ's body was ripped and torn and hung on display for human eyes to see. It wasn't a movie or an epic work of fiction. Christ's blood spilled and covered the dust of this earth. Christ breathed his last and then three days later, breathed again. He lives! He lives and breathes! And we live and breathe dependent fully on His life, death and resurrection.
Still working through all of this. But in the end, I've concluded this:
I'm done playing the game.
I'm wanting to live.
Breathe again Your Spirit and life into this life, LORD.
