No More Playing the Game

I had an experience this week that I wanted to attempt to capture in words because I think its still sitting in my brain wanting to be unpacked a bit.  In the world of psychology, we often talk about "depersonalization" in which a person feels detached or distanced from their life, almost as if they're watching their life happen instead of actively and intentionally living.  Typically it occurs to folks who have experienced trauma or abuse but it can also happen to anyone battling depression or anxiety.  It serves as a coping mechanism in order to avoid or limit intense emotion or pain as well as acts as a numbing agent in a person's day-to-day life so that the experience of life, relationship, creation and God is muted and distanced.

This week, I came to the realization that I suffer from a different form of depersonalization.  It's a depersonalization of the person of Christ.  Sitting in a context in which the reality of people's pain, suffering and need for God was blatantly obvious, I became increasingly nauseous.  A phrase came to me following this intense experience:  "this is not a game."  I drove home somewhat confused.  What does that mean? 

And then it hit me.  Hard. 

I live much of my life in a cognitive ascent to the Gospel of Christ.  I believe Christ died for the sins of rebellious men.  I believe Christ was resurrected conquering the power of sin and death.  I believe Christ now sits victorious on the right hand of God the Father with all authority and dominion.  I believe He was fully God and fully man, perfect and spotless.  But slowly over the course of my Christian walk, I have come to depersonalize Him, making Him more about concept and theory and less about flesh and blood, almost as if to slowly move Him (and my beliefs) into the world of fairy-tale or fable standing.

And this has begun to affect my horizontal relationships, relating to people as if they're not fully real either.  Like a game in which a person has certain moves and strategies in order to make friendships, parent children and love their spouse.  But through a serious night of repentance and tears, I was encouraged by questions God was prompting like "What would it mean to love your kids as if I'm real?  How would it change if you loved your wife like I was real?  How would counseling or ministry or seminary transform if I were real?" 

Christ encouraged Thomas to "Reach here with your finger, and see My hands; and reach here your hand and put it into My side; and do not be unbelieving, but believing." (John 20:27).  Thomas responded with "my LORD and my God!"  And He knows all of our tendency to depersonalize Him and therefore encourages us with the statement "Because you have seen Me, have you believed? Blessed are they who did not see, and yet believed." (John 20:29).  God, through the Spirit, opened my eyes to believing He was real almost thirty years ago. 

And this week, He once again gave clarity to my vision of Him as my LORD and my God.  Christ's cross happened in place and time, as the sun rises and sets.  Christ's body was ripped and torn and hung on display for human eyes to see.  It wasn't a movie or an epic work of fiction.  Christ's blood spilled and covered the dust of this earth.  Christ breathed his last and then three days later, breathed again.  He lives!  He lives and breathes!  And we live and breathe dependent fully on His life, death and resurrection.

Still working through all of this.  But in the end, I've concluded this: 
I'm done playing the game. 
I'm wanting to live.
Breathe again Your Spirit and life into this life, LORD.

Christian Leadership: What It Is & What It Could Be

The second day of classes put in my hands the book In the Name of Jesus: Reflections on Christian Leadership by the late Henri Nouwen.*  I could attempt to articulate some of the beauty and richness found in his charge to Christian leadership but I'd rather let him speak for himself.  Some noteworthy quotes worth reflection:

Part One: From Relevance to Prayer 

“I am deeply convinced that the Christian leader of the future is called to be completely irrelevant and to stand in this world with nothing to offer but his or her own vulnerable self.  That is the way Jesus came to reveal God’s love.”  p 30

“One of the main sufferings experienced in the ministry is that of low self-esteem” p 31

“God, the church, and the minister have been used for centuries to fill the gaps of incompetence, but today the gaps are being filled in other ways, and we no longer need spiritual answers to practical questions.” p 33

“The leaders of the future will be those who dare to claim their irrelevance in the contemporary world as a divine vocation that allows them to enter into a deep solidarity with the anguish underlying all the glitter of success and to bring the light of Jesus there.”  p 35

“The question is not: How many people take you seriously?  How much are you going to accomplish?  Can you show me some results?  But:  Are you in love with Jesus?” p 37

“The knowledge of Jesus’ heart is a knowledge of the heart.  And when we live in the world with that knowledge, we cannot do other than bring healing, reconciliation, new life and hope wherever we go.”  p 41

“If there is any focus that the Christian leader of the future will need, it is the discipline of dwelling in the presence of the One who keeps asking us “Do you love me?  This is the discipline of contemplative prayer.” p 42

“Through the discipline of contemplative prayer, Christian leaders have to learn to listen again and again to the voice of love and to find there the wisdom and courage to address whatever issue presents itself to them.”  p 45

“For Christian leadership to be truly fruitful in the future, a movement from the moral to the mystical is required.” p 47

Part Two:  From Popularity to Ministry

“I was educated in a seminary that made me believe ministry was essentially an individual affair.” p 51

“Stardom and individual heroism, which are such obvious aspects of our competitive society, are not at all alien to the church.  There too the dominant image is that of the self-made man or woman who can do it alone.”  p 56

“I have found over and over again how hard it is to be truly faithful to Jesus when I am alone...whenever we minister together, it is easier for people to recognized that we do not come in our own name, but in the name of the Lord Jesus who sent us.” p 58-59

“Laying down your life means making your own faith and doubt, hope and despair, joy and sadness, courage and fear available to others as ways of getting in touch with the Lord of life.” p 61

“The mystery of ministry is that we have been chosen to make our own limited and very conditional love the gateway for the unlimited and unconditional love of God. Therefore true ministry must be mutual.” p 62

“A whole new type of leadership is asked for in the church of tomorrow, a leadership that is not modeled on the power games of the world, but on the servant-leader Jesus, who came to give his life for the salvation of many” p 63

“Just as future leaders must be mystics deeply steeped in contemplative prayer, so also must they be persons always willing to confess their own brokenness and ask for forgiveness from those to whom they minister.”  p 64

“When ministers and priests live their ministry mostly in their heads and relate to the Gospel as a set of valuable ideas to be announced, the body quickly takes revenge by screaming loudly for affection and intimacy.”  p 68

Part Three:  From Leading to Being Led

“The people I came to live with made me aware of the extent to which my leadership was still a desire to control complex situations, confused emotions and anxious minds...I am getting in touch with the mystery that leadership, for a large part, means to be led.” p 74-75

“The long painful history of the church is the history of people ever and again tempted to choose power over love, control over the cross, being a leader over being led.”  p 77

“The temptation of power is greatest when intimacy is a threat.  Much Christian leadership is exercised by people who do not know how to develop healthy, intimate relationships and have opted for power and control instead.”  p 79

“Jesus has a different vision of maturity:  it is the ability and willingness to be led where you would rather not go.”  p 81

“Just as prayer keeps us connected with the first love and just as confession and forgiveness keep our ministry communal and mutual, so strenuous theological reflection will allow us to discern critically where we are being led.”  p 85

“The Christian leaders of the future have to be theologians, persons who know the heart of God and are trained - through prayer, study and careful analysis - to manifest the divine event of God’s saving work in the midst of the many seemingly random events of their time.”  p 88

*Nouwen, Henri J. M. In the Name of Jesus: Reflections on Christian Leadership. The Crossroad Publishing Company, 1992.

 

Before the Throne of God Above

Psalm 2:7-12 (my translation)
I will recall the statutes of the Lord.  He said to me: "You are my son.  Today I am begetting you.  Ask from me and I shall give the nations as your inheritance and as your possession:  the ends of the earth.  You will shatter them by the rod of iron.  As a potter's vessel, you will break them to pieces.  And now kings will have insight and correctly be judges of the earth."  Serve the LORD in fear and worship with trembling.  Kiss the son lest he will be angry and you will perish on the way because you will burn as pieces of kindling in his anger.  Happy are those who seek refuge in him.

Here is a picture of the trust the Father places in the work and authority of His Son.  This is by no means a gentle picture of God but this imagery serves both as a warning and as a comfort.  Under the protection of the Son's perfect leadership and authority, is safety and refuge.  Without it, our sin demands justice, judgment and utter destruction.  This psalm serves as a call out to leaders but also to anyone under authority.  The picture of kissing the son, worshiping and bowing down before Him as the LORD of all, provides us with an image of authority and service.  We are His or we are not His.  This psalm does not leave us any room for middle ground.

Find rest my soul, in Christ alone.